It's been five weeks since I boarded a plane in Hong Kong to come to Sydney for my seven-week work trip. Which, if my math is correct (which it usually isn't) means I will be flying back to Hong Kong in two weeks.
I feel neither here nor there. While, yes, I am back at my mum and step-dad's house, working in my old job, seeing my Australian friends, living my old life, I'm not really here, am I, because it's all so temporary. I certainly don't feel like this is my true life, because it really isn't. Right now, at least. Even though a very big part of me truly wishes it was.
But it has been fun... more fun and relaxing than I thought it would be. While the job has been full-on, but really fun at times, hanging out with my family so much and seeing my old friends has felt very comfortable and very right.
A lot of people have asked me if I'm missing B... of course I'm missing him. But (and I'm thankful for this) it hasn't been the soul-aching, teary-eyed, tantrum-throwing pining I thought it would be. Not because I don't love him, but because I haven't left him to visit some unknown, scary, lonesome place for two months. I have been home. Surrounded by family. Talking to, seeing B on a webcam every evening and chatting with him several times a day. I miss him, but I'm OK, I'm supported. Right now, I'm catching up with other people that are also hugely important to me. People I haven't been able to spend this much time with in a very long time. I'm not going to waste a moment of that time acting like a lovesick teenager.
But my goodness I miss him, and I notice B's absence enormously and how negatively that affects me. I am a ball of stress when he's not around, and this has worsened in the last few weeks of the trip. I have begun to notice myself frowning when I see happy couples cuddling because he's not by my side. If I have a bad day I slip into bed and, instead of his comforting, reassuring touch and life-saving humour (he's very funny), I am left with nothing but the steely darkness and my thoughts. There is no B to calm me down, the way only he can.
So, yes, I miss him. I need him around. This is now at a stage where it is becoming harder being away, not seeing him, our dogs. Living out of a suitcase. Living my past life.
But, at the same time, I get to wake up to birds chirping, a clear blue sky, familiar roads, familiar places, sounds, touches and smells - and my family making coffee in the next room.